Even So, It Hurt
by Derp-For-Homestuck
Summary: Requested GamTav: Gamzee reflects on his life thus far that has lead up to the moment where everything completely shattered. Thinking about it now, he realizes there was nothing he could have done to prevent this outcome, not matter what way you look at it.


**I don't remember who requested GamTav, but here you go! **

**Uh...sorry...it's kinda...unrequited. **

**...**

**July 17, 2011 - 18 years old**

Your world shatters in an instant.

There was honestly nothing you could really do right now. Besides, even if there _were_ something, you wouldn't do it. Never would you try to hurt your best friend like that. No matter how much you hated that spider-bitch.

You knew.

You knew all along that he was in love with her.

That fact never stopped you from thinking, maybe, just maybe, you might be able to change his mind. Might be able to make him see how much you really care about him.

How you would do anything he asked you to do. No questions asked.

You guess he never really realized the power he really held over you. The amount of control he had over you.

No matter, it doesn't hurt as much as you would think it would. You've almost become numb to the pain. Almost forgotten how it felt to have him smile at you the way he smiles at her.

Almost, but not quite.

You still don't know how you got into this mess in the first place.

Oh right.

It all started the day he showed up, really...

* * *

**September 12, 1998 - 6 years old**

Today is no different than any other, you get up and get ready to school, nothing weird about that.

Except, there _is_ something weird about today, you just don't know that yet.

Because today is the day you will meet the love of your life.

Not that you know that yet, but the fact is still true.

Today, is the first day of First Grade for you. And wow, you are seriously regretting this.

Your older brother Kurloz said it was fun, that you would love it. And not to make anyone mad, try not to throw things at other kids. Your dad even said it would be fun.

But right now, you are crying, and you want your brother and Dad back.

"Hi...uh, my name's Tavros. What's...um...yours?" a timid voice asks. You remove your hands from your face and look up at them through teary eyes.

"Gamzee..." you sniff. He takes a step forward and places a hand on your shoulder.

"Don't...cry, Gamzee." he says, pulling you into a hug. He's a lot shorter to you, but since you are sitting down and he's standing, it almost balances out the height difference.

Not that you even know what a height difference is, or why it would ever matter.

* * *

**October 19, 1998 - 6 years old**

First Grade was better after that. Because you had a new best friend to hang out with all the time.

What's more, your dad already said you could go with the class trick or treating this year! He even said he would help make your costume. You want to go as your brother Kurloz this year.

And that week, things got even better.

...

"Good morning class!" Ms. Paint, your teacher, smiles to everyone as she walks into the classroom.

You really like Ms. Paint. She's a nice lady.

"We have a new student today, his name is Karkat. Come on in, sweety, so you can meet everyone."

You watch, awed as a short little boy with bright white hair walks into the room. The whole class "oh's" as he steps over to Ms. Paint.

"Good...morning..." he mumbles, picking at his shirt. You wave happily to him and shout,

"Hi, Karkat!"

He looks up at you, surprised, and then looks up at Ms. Paint. She nods to him, and he rushes over to you and Tavros.

"Hi! I'm Gamzee!" you tell him, smiling brightly. "And this is Tavros!" you point to your best friend.

Tavros just waves shyly.

"I'm...Karkat." he says, waving a little bit as well.

When his eyes meet yours, you notice for the first time that they are the brightest red you have ever seen.

He has really pretty eyes, you decide.

* * *

**November 2, 1998 - 6 years old**

Coming back to school after so long feels weird, but you are excited to show everyone your new paint!

Your dad said it was alright to start wearing face paint, just like him and Kurloz, and he even did it himself.

You really like it.

"What's on your face?" Karkat asks, the moment you sit down next to him.

You just smile back at him proudly and he waves you off.

You and Karkat have become best friends since he first came here, and you really look up to him.

Or really, you look down. He's shorter.

You still don't know why height would ever matter.

"Hi, uh...Gamzee. Karkat." Tavros waves to both of you, smiling and sitting down on the other side of you.

He doesn't even mention the paint on your face, and you aren't sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

* * *

**December 27, 1998 - 7 years old**

Today, is your birthday.

Your dad calls it your wriggling day, because he says you weren't born, and that you wriggled out of your mama like a little grub.

You aren't sure what any of that means, but he says it so lovingly that you have no room to question it.

Tavros and Karkat are coming over for a little while, with gifts! You can't wait for them to meet your dad and Kurloz! You just know that everyone will have a great time.

"Gamzee! You're friend is here!" your mama calls. You walk into the other room to find Karkat and who you think is his dad standing there.

"Hey Gamzee." Karkat smiles to you and thrusts a wrapped box into your hands. "Kankri said he couldn't come, but he says happy birthday!"

Kankri is Karkat's older brother. You've only met him once before, and you don't remember much about him.

"Makara." Karkat's dad greets yours. Your father just smiles back at him and offers his hand.

"Good to see you again, Vantas." your father takes his hand back and instead pulls Karkat's dad into a friendly hug.

You hear a pop and Mr. Vantas laughs.

"Still as strong as ever, Makara." he says, smiling as he hugs your dad back.

You and Karkat share a look before rushing into your room.

"Gamzee, baby. Tavros's family is here." your mama calls the moment you get into your room.

You rush back out to see Tavros and stop when you notice two other people with him.

"Hey there, sport! Name's Ruffio!" the taller boy says, leaning down to look at you. "I'm friends with your brother!" he tells you.

A smile breaks across your face and you tug him down into a hug.

"A friend of Kurloz is a friend of mine!" you shout, hugging the boy tightly.

He laughs and suddenly your arms are full of Tavros, instead. Not that you are complaining, this is your best friend!

"Happy, uh...birthday." he smiles at you and hands you a small box with a brown bow on top.

* * *

**Flash forward to when things started getting complicated: September 14, 2003 - 10 years old**

Middle school isn't as fun as you thought it would be.

All these switching classes, and trying to figure out all your teacher's names...it's honestly really confusing to you.

And yet, you can't seem to hate it as much as everyone else does.

You have three classes with Tavros, and two with Karkat. You just know you'll meet a bunch of new friends this year!

Everything is looking up for you and your two best friends.

Well, until you meet Vriska Serket. You...you do not like her.

"Heeeeeey Tav!" she drawls out her letters and it's really annoying. But Tavros really likes her, so you are trying to make an effort.

His face flushes, and you think it's adorable. You wish you could make him flush like that.

You have just started noticing thing about Tavros that you've never noticed before.

Like the adorable way he stutters a lot. It's just the cutest thing, really it is.

You made friends with one boy named Sollux when the two of you were partners for a project.

He talks kinda weird, but you don't mind that much.

He hates Vriska too.

Only you're pretty sure it's because she hangs around Eridan a lot, and you think Sollux wants to hang out with Eridan.

* * *

**October 31, 2003 - 10 years old**

**...**

The school is holding a dance tonight, and you can't wait to go.

This will be your first school dance.

Everyone is going to be there.

Even Karkat said he would come!

You know he's not one for dancing, because he doesn't like being under lights that much. He's eyes are really sensitive to the light, and you try to be really careful about that.

More so, Tavros said he was going too.

You're pretty sure that Tavros is only going because Vriska said she was.

Sometimes, you really hate that girl, but she makes Tav happy, and that's all you've ever wanted to do.

Maybe that's why you hate her, because Tavros likes her more then he likes you.

...

"This is really laaaaaame!" Vriska whines, flopping down in her chair.

You remain silent, because you are actually having a lot of fun.

"Gamzee, I think I'm gonna go home. I don't like the bright lights." Karkat mumbles next to you. He turns to the rest of the group and apologizes slightly before running out the doors.

You almost follow him, but then Vriska pipes up again.

"Thank _god_ he finally left! I thought he neeeevvvver would." she groans.

Just as you are about to yell at her for being so rude to your best friend, the song changes and Eridan stands suddenly.

"I lovve this song!" he shouts, taking Sollux's hand and tugging him to the make-shift dance floor that the school provided.

You try to listen to the song and understand why Eridan likes it so much, but you don't find the appeal and decide to instead ignore the noise.

Your complaint long forgotten, you settle back into your chair for the rest of the night.

...

The dance, though you had fun, turned out to be one of the worst things you ever decided on going to.

Things happened, and now you think maybe you and Tavros aren't the best of friends anymore.

He kinda wants to spend more time with Vriska, and less time with you.

Something inside of you is hurting, and you have no idea what it is. All you know, is that you want it to stop.

* * *

**June 23, 2004 - 11 years old**

This summer, Tavros is going cliff diving with Vriska and some of her friends.

You would ask to go with, but you really aren't one for heights.

He said he would make sure to take pictures, though, so you could see what all they did.

You told him not to worry about it, and to just have fun.

He came back the next week and told you all about how much fun it was, and that they were going again the next day.

You feel...jealous. Even though you aren't sure why you would need to be jealous about anything.

He goes cliff diving with Vriska and her friends a lot more often after that.

...

One day, he came back from those cliff diving adventures, and he was in a wheelchair.

And Terezi was blind.

They had lost Aradia.

Vriska couldn't see out of one eye, and she had lost an arm.

No one was the same after that.

You didn't know what to do, mostly because you didn't know what had happened.

What _had _happened?!

You wanted to ask Tavros about it, but you didn't want to upset him. And besides, he seemed to stick by Vriska's side most of the time anyways.

Karkat was having trouble with keeping his temper, and you are doing your best to calm him down in those moments, but it's getting harder and harder to do that.

Everything is starting to unravel around you, and you aren't sure how to handle it all.

* * *

**August 29, 2004 - 11 years old**

Today, is the first day of middle school, and you have no idea what you are doing. Everyone is all gathered in their little groups, whispering and staring at the huge building in awe.

You've been here before, you came with your dad one time to see Kurloz in a play.

He was a tree.

Your dad said he was the best damn tree up there.

You can't find Tavros, or Karkat.

What you do find, is a little surprising.

"Hi, I'm John!" A boy with unruly dark brown hair greets you.

Unsure of why this boy is being so nice, you take his offered hand and shake.

"Name's Gamzee." you tell him, smiling slightly.

"I'm new!" he explains, gripping your hand and tugging you towards the now-open-doors of the middle school. "Let's be friends, okay?"

"Sure...?"

You haven't had something like this happen since kindergarten, and you are in the fucking 7th grade damn it.

You spot Karkat a while ways away and shout over the noise,

"Karbro! Hey there you are!" you wave frantically to get his attention and he weaves his way over to you. "This is John!" you motion to the boy standing next to you and smile.

"My name is Karkat." the shorter boy says, taking care not to look up at John.

"That's such a cool name." John tells him, smiling and dragging you both into the building for school.

Something tells you deep down that these next few years will not be easy.

* * *

**Febuary 14, 2005 - 12 years old**

Valentines day.

A long time ago, everyone stopped handing out the class valentines and only gave valentines to the ones they liked.

This year, you were going to give Tavros something for Valentines day, but then you decided against it.

Besides, you already know that he's giving something to Vriska. And that she is probably going to give him something too.

As well as give John something.

You don't know what her deal is, but she keeps trying to get close to John.

"Happy Valentines Day, Karkat." John smiles down at the albino, shoving a card in his hands and turning to face you. "Happy Valentines Day, Gamzee."

You stare at the card that has been shoved into your face with a scowl.

"I don't motherfucking want it." you growl, shoving the card back into his hands and stalking off.

You know it was rude, but you don't care right now.

Besides, it's not like John really cares all that much anyways.

He just brushes everything off his shoulder and keeps going as if nothing even happened.

You hate it when he does that, and you are starting to hate him as well.

* * *

**November 12, 2006 - 13 years old**

"I think I like John." Karkat confesses to you after school. He stares at the concrete floor and frowns.

"Egbert?" you finally ask. When he doesn't answer, you assume that's a yes and let out a sigh. "You know I hate that motherfucker."

"Yeah I know." Karkat mumbles, sliding down to sit next to you. He lets out a sigh of his own and buries his head in his hands. "I'm such an idiot."

"You're not an idiot. Motherfucker, everything is gonna work out just fine, just you wait and see." you tell him.

He goes silent again, and you just take to rubbing his back in what you hope is a comforting manner.

A thought pops into your head, and you stop rubbing his back, confused.

"I thought you liked Terezi?"

His head lifts from his arms and he stares at you with a look that you read as 'Are you fucking stupid'

"She's dating Dave you fucking idiot. I got over her around a month ago, fucking shit, get your head out of your ass." he mumbles, resting his head back into his arms and sighing again. "Besides, I don't think I really liked her, I think I just liked the idea of her." he explains softly.

You nod, even though he probably can't see the motion, and lean back against the wall.

"Everything is so motherfucking messed up right now, huh bro?"

He nods slightly and you let out another sigh.

...

"So what are we doing for your birthday this year?" Karkat asks as he kicks a rock across the pavement.

You shrug, having completely forgotten that your birthday was coming up in the first place.

"We could have a movie marathon at my house. Kankri will be out on a fucking study group thing or some shit that night." he offers, kicking another rock.

"Sure, sounds mother-fucking-cool." you smile at him, so he knows that you mean what you say.

He smiles back, and you decide that maybe this year Tavros might actually come.

Maybe this will be the year he remembers your birthday.

"You think Tav will come?" you find yourself asking out loud. Karkat stops his insistent kicking of rocks and looks over at you with a sad apologetic smile.

He doesn't say anything, but you know what he is thinking.

"Yeah, I didn't think so either..."

* * *

**December 24, 2006 - 14 years old**

You've never been that much of a fan of Christmas, honestly.

Kurloz asked you to go with him to a Christmas party though, and you can't really say no to him.

So here you are.

You faintly recognize this house as one of Kurloz's friends house.

You think her name is a flower or something...Tulip? You think that's right.

"GZ! Hey you made it!" Sollux's voice shouts over the crowd. You turn your head to see the sorter boy making his way over to you with a smile. "Tho a bunch of uth are playing thpin the bottle, you wanna join?" his eyes shine behind his glasses and you sigh.

"Yeah, sure." you follow him through the crowd to a room with some of your friends.

You faintly notice Karkat scowling at the empty vodka bottle in the middle of the circle of people.

John sits directly across from him, smiling brightly.

This might not be such a bad thing for Karkat.

For you, though, things could get ugly.

You take a seat next to Karkat and watch as his expression relaxes slightly.

"Are wwe doin this or wwhat?" Eridan asks, already reaching towards the bottle. Someone giggles as he spins, and you look around to find who it was.

You don't remember her name, but when your eyes land on her, you know she was the one that giggled.

She has...large hair, and lots of jewelry. You wonder, faintly, what a girl like her is doing in a group like this.

"Ah fuck." the sound of Sollux cursing interrupts your thoughts and you look over to see that Eridan's spin landed on him.

You would say something, but you think what you have to say isn't something you should say.

'_It's not like you won't enjoy kissing him, Solbro.'_

You hold your tongue, and watch as Eridan (god you hate that motherfucker) leans over and presses their lips together.

Someone else in the group shouts, taking your attention away from the now-making-out couple.

"My turn!" the girl from before shouts excitedly, taking a hold of the bottle and spinning it rapidly.

You get distracted easily, so your eyes follow the bottle spinning round and round. You don't even notice when it finally stops until everyone is looking at you expectantly.

"What?" you ask, looking from one person to the next.

You look at the bottle again and realize that it landed on you.

The girl giggles again and shuffles her way over to you.

"Hi Gamzee!" she smiles, before leaning forward slightly.

Her lips are soft and smooth. It feels weird, almost like you are kissing a fish. Then it's over and she's leaning away from you with a smile still plastered on her face.

She giggles again and goes back to her seat.

You make a face, and try to ignore the feeling of sickness in the pit of your stomach.

You look over to Karkat and see him staring wide-eyed at the bottle.

Turning your attention back to said bottle, you wonder who spun. Because it landed on Karkat.

The group 'ooh's and you wonder further on who spun. Then you notice John stand and walk over to sit in front of Karkat.

Oh.

_He_ spun.

"I'm so fucking out of here." Karkat states, standing and quickly making his way out the door.

You let out a sigh and stand to follow him when John holds out his hand in a stopping motion.

"I'll go after him." he mumbles.

* * *

**December 31, 2006 - 14 years old**

You are dragging Karkat to the New Year's party that you and he were invited to.

He keeps kicking and screaming profanities at you, but you just ignore him and keep on walking.

You know that this party is being held at Sollux's house, and you faintly recall where the nerd lives.

As you think of Sollux, you remember how he and Eridan hadn't spoken since Christmas.

And neither had Karkat and John.

The blue-eyed dork had come back ten minutes after leaving, told everyone he was going home, and that he couldn't find Karkat.

Your shorter best friend said he didn't want to deal with John right now, or ever for that matter.

You respect his decision.

Even if you think it's a stupid one.

"Gamzee I swear to fuck if you do not put me down right the fuck now I will castrate you in front of everyone you love and hold dear." Karkat curses into your ear.

Rolling your eyes, and tightening your hold on his arm, you tug him up the steps to Sollux's house.

Ignoring Karkat's threat, you wondering silently if Sollux invited Eridan to the party.

Probably not.

...

You find out the hard way that there is another game of spin the bottle going on in the next room over.

Apparently Sollux _did_ invite Eridan to the party, because they are currently sucking face on a couch.

It's not even midnight yet.

You think you seriously hate this game.

Just as you are about to leave, your eyes land on your favorite person in the whole world.

Who is currently still attached to the spider-bitch via mouth.

You swear, they have been going at it since school let out for the holidays.

Shaking your head, you walk out of the room and slump against a wall.

You found out a long time ago just how much Tavros meant to you, and that same feeling has never gone away.

Not even close to going away, in fact.

"Gamzee? Can we go home now?" the sound of sniffing causes you to look up at your best friend, whose wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"What's wrong, best friend?"

He shakes his head and falls to his knees next to you.

Before you can even get another word of question out, he buries his face in your chest and cries.

You rub his back and feel tears starting to prick at your eyes.

You don't remember the last time you ever cried, and you think now is a good time to start again.

* * *

**November 27, 2007 - 15 years old**

Today you are getting your learner's permit.

Kurloz is teaching you how to drive.

You can't wait.

Your good friend Equius just got his a little over a week ago, and he's been helping you study for this test.

Nervousness bubbles it's way up into your throat, and you swallow it back down.

"IT WILL BE ALRIGHT" your brother signs, smiling at you encouragingly.

You send him back a thumbs up and turn your attention back to the paper sitting in front of you.

Here goes nothing.

...

"Hey Karbro! Look what I motherfucking got!" your proudly hold up the paper with your learners permit typed across it up for the shorter albino to see.

"Makara, watch your language." Kankri chides from somewhere deep in the house.

"Yes, sir." you mock back, rolling your eyes and looking at your best friend.

Karkat doesn't move from his seat on his bed. His eyes are one you and the paper in your hands.

"What's wrong, bro?" you ask, letting the paper drop to the floor as you carefully maneuver over to him.

He should really clean his room, honestly there is shit everywhere.

"Nothing." he mumbles.

You stop, mid-step and stare at your shorter friend.

He's not screaming at you yet, or even being sarcastic about your permit.

"You sure?" you ask again, unsure of how he might react.

"I'm fucking fine!" he yells at you, even throwing one of his many pillows at you.

You let out a laugh and tackle him into a bone-crushing hug.

He's fine.

.

.

.

You think

* * *

**December 12, 2007 - 15 years old**

A knock on your window wakes you from a dream.

"What the fuck...?" you blink twice, rubbing your sleepy eyes as they focus on the figure outside just outside your bedroom window. "Kar?"

Standing suddenly, you quickly rush over to the window and pull your best bro inside.

He sniffs and clings to your arms as you close the window behind him.

Silently, you note that he is shivering and that it has been snowing.

"What the motherfuck are you doing out this late at night?" you ask, carrying him over to your bed and wrapping your blankets around him.

"Kankri got in a fight with Slick." he mumbles. His hold on your arms tightens and you pull him into your lap.

"What happened?"

"Slick caught Kankri with Cronus and got pissed. So fucking pissed, and he was threatening to fucking stab him. Kankri got upset and was yelling back at him and...and Slick t-told him...he wasn't going to house a f-fucking...fag." Karkat sniffs again, burrying his head into your chest and crying.

"You snuck out your window again." it's not a question.

Carefully unwrapping the blanket around him, you check for any injuries and wince as he hisses when you lightly touch his leg.

"You room is on the second floor Kar, what the fuck were you thinking."

He shrugs.

* * *

**December 24, 2007 - 15 years old**

"Kurloz! Make sure the Vantas' have enough blankets!" You hear your father yelling up the stairs.

Your brother honks twice as a yes in reply.

"Is this really necessary?" Kankri asks.

"Yeah, gotta make sure my bro's are all up an motherfucking comfy." you tell him with a smile.

"Language." he halfheartedly scolds.

"Right." you smile again, going over and wrapping your arms around Karkat. He nuzzles into your hug lightly. "Night Karbro." you whisper.

"Whatever."

...

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, KARKAT!" John shouts into the shorter's ear.

You tried telling him not to do that, but the damn kid just wouldn't listen.

Oh well, you decide, his funeral.

"What the fuck?!" the albino screeches, throwing himself backward and slamming into his older brother.

"Language, Karkat." Kankri mumbles, pushing his brother forward again.

The younger glares at his brother before looking from you to John.

"The fuck is he doing here?" he asks, motioning to the derp.

"Karkat." Kankri warns.

"I wanted to bring by your present!" John explains before you can say it for him.

"Karkat turns his glare back to John, but the heat in his gaze softens when his eyes land on the boy of his affections.

You quietly nudge Kankri in the side and jerk your head to the side.

He blinks his half asleep eyes up at you before looking back at his brother.

He smiles in understanding and follows you out of the room.


End file.
